During the lockdown, I realized one disadvantage of outdoor sports has often been the fact that most could not be done indoors. All that has been changed, according to a survey. It claims there is more sex arrangements going on during tennis games than we can imagine.
While I had been bending over picking up missed balls on the tennis court, my opponents had secretly been making arrangements to improve their games off the courts.
I used to love playing tennis unaware of what was happening. While I was innocently involved in playing, the rest of the world was actively concerned with scoring.
How naïve can they be? Don’t they realize that tennis is one of the few pastimes where “love” means absolutely nothing? All those foolish couples were trying to make contact in a noncontact game. While I was busy lobbing, they were busy leering.
Well, that may end if their affairs lead to marriage. When you are single, conversation is known as “clever repartee.” When you marry, it is called “arguing.” I recall those days.
Well, my partner in mixed doubles was a critic. He was very quick on the flaw, though only on the court.
“Racquet back!”
“Keep your eyes on the ball.”
“Bend your knees.”
“Geez! Stop talking.”
“Pick one,” I often muttered under my breath. I had enough trouble keeping my socks up without concern with where the ball was going every single minute..
Sometimes he ignored me, pretending he was playing singles and hitting every ball before I could even reach one. I could tell when he was angry, when he sent me to the net. He knew I hated being at the net. Fortunately, my friend Diane, who often played on the opposing team, was frequently sent to the net as well so we were able to catch up.
I quickly learned that spiritual alibis were an essential part of my game. “It matters not whether we win or lose, as my inner game directs me to merely observe and be at one with the ball.” People usually walked off the court before I completed my excuse, so we often won by default.
As I exclaimed while accepting my award as the Unbelievably Lousiest Player of the Year, “We are all born winners – it takes great effort, perseverance and hard work to lose. Obviously, I have been most successful in that pursuit. Thank you!”
Humorologist Jan Marshall, a Village resident, is author of satirical survival books, including “Dancin’ Schmancin’ with the Scars. Finding the Humor No Matter What!” Jan also has written aspirational books for children, “The Littlest Hero” and “The Toothbrush Who Tried to Run Away.” Contact her at [email protected].