If you’ve experienced a loss of appetite the last few days or feel run-down with no energy whatsoever, you may be suffering from NFLSAD, or National Football League Seasonal Affective Disorder.
It happens every year after the Super Bowl and can last for days, weeks or even months, depending on the arrival of the first mock draft.
Typically sufferers of NFLSAD can get through this dark period with the help of minor diversions, such as the start of baseball’s spring training. But the lockout by MLB owners means we might not have that to fall back on this month, leaving it up to basketball and hockey to carry the load.
And no matter how much you love golf, the NHL, the NBA or college hoops, it’s hard to get hyped up until the Masters, the playoffs or the NCAA Tournament.
So the dead zone of the 2022 sports calendar is officially here, and unless you’re into ice dancers and lugers, there is no escape.
Combined with the dead of winter in Chicago, this lack of sports watching can lead to an overwhelming feeling of ennui, sending ordinary sports fans into a sinkhole of couch dependency that’s difficult to overcome. And unlike the pandemic-created sports void of the spring of 2020, there’s no 10-part series like “The Last Dance” to save us this time.
So while we await March Madness, the Masters, the NFL draft and the NHL and NBA playoffs, here are 10 things we’d like to see and hear to keep the monotony to a minimum.
1. An Evening with Rocky Wirtz
A one-act play about the trials and tribulations of an NHL owner, as written and performed by the chairman of the Chicago Blackhawks. Hear Rocky’s rants about the media, no-shows at the United Center and the lack of late scores in the Tribune. All smartphones will be confiscated before the show and returned afterward. Audience participation will be strictly prohibited because, as the chairman says, “You don’t work here!”
2. The Real Athletes of Planet Earth
A sports reality show featuring eight prominent athletes living in separate Las Vegas hotel penthouses — fighting, feuding and flouting the rules while competing for $1 million in prize money. Season 1 cast: Aaron Rodgers, Antonio Brown, Novak Djokovic, Kyrie Irving, Tom Brady, Bryson DeChambeau, Baker Mayfield and Grayson Allen as “The Beaver.” (Check with attorneys.)
3. History of Olympic Crying
No sporting event has as much wailing as the Olympics, and this documentary recalls some of the biggest criers over the years in all events. Which nation features the most prolific criers? Does one Olympic sport make the tears flow more freely than any other? What effect do performance-enhancing drugs have on the salt levels in athletes’ tear ducts? New footage of Russian figure skater/accidental doper Kamila Valieva makes for a tear-jerking ending you won’t want to miss.
4. Rob Manfred Takes a Baseball IQ Test
Sure, he has the reputation as the commissioner with the least knowledge about the multibillion-dollar sport he runs. But can that be verified? A live test featuring Bob Costas asking Manfred questions about the sport’s history and rules would remove the mystery. Some of our finest Ivy League baseball executives could devise a test to establish once and for all whether Manfred knows (bleep) about the game of baseball.
5. The Athletic, the musical
First it was a popular online sports site that hired away newspaper writers. Then it became a New York Times subsidiary. Now it’s a hit Broadway musical, with Matthew Broderick as Ken Rosenthal and Hugh Jackman as Jayson Stark.
6. Hard Knocks: Pittsburgh Maulers
Assuming there are no copyright restrictions barring the new USFL from documenting turmoil at a team’s training camp and then airing it the following week with droll narration by Liev Schreiber, there’s no reason not to copy the popular, long-running HBO series.
7. The Best of Les Grobstein
WSCR-AM 670 reporter Mark Grote has been serving as the DL (“Designated Les”) for the Score since the death of our favorite overnight sports host. Grote has done a fine job replacing a local legend, but it probably wouldn’t hurt ratings to just replay old shows of Les talking about his hatred of the Green Bay Packers or the Lee Elia tape, two timeless subjects for sports-talk radio listeners.
8. ‘The Odd Couple’ rebooted
Controversial TV hot-take debater and former Tribune columnist Skip Bayless and his brother, Chicago restaurateur and celebrity chef Rick Bayless, star in an updated version of the Neil Simon play. Coin flip to play Felix? (Check with agents on availability.)
9. Marcus Stroman
Just to make sure he’s still a Cub.
10. Professional Skitching Championships
This popular winter activity in the Midwest needs only an unplowed street and some adventure-seeking men and women willing to risk life and limb for a brief thrill. For the uninitiated, skitching involves either skiing or snowboarding while being pulled down the street by a car or truck. In the event of a carjacking during the skitching playoffs, all Chicago contestants will be awarded a do-over.