Gathering with family during the holiday season can be a time filled with joy, laughter and the celebration of traditions.

But for many, these annual reunions are a stressful time. Coming together for a holiday meal can lead to difficult conversations centered around topics where not everyone seated at the dinner table sees eye to eye. Anxiety can be high, and heated discussions can put a damper on the festivities.

Shanara Reid-Brinkley, CSUF assistant professor in the university’s Department of Human Communication Studies, said that while these settings can be challenging, there are ways to approach holiday get-togethers with family that can alleviate disagreements and keep the experiences more enjoyable.

Why does being “home for the holidays” seem to bring these conflicts to the surface during this time of year? Increased tensions across the country on a number of issues are causing more division than ever before, Reid-Brinkley said. While many are able to engage in civil conversations on hot-button topics with friends or co-workers, discussing similar issues with family members is not so easy. Reid-Brinkley suggests these conversations are tough to have at home due to the inherent importance of family.

“Family represents our home space, our foundation, the rock from which we remain tethered as we run out into the world seeking our dreams for the future,” she said. “Because family is critical to our sense of self and our place in the world, we shy away from conversations that might risk destabilizing that foundation. It is how dear our family is to us that may make it incredibly difficult to rock the boat on sensitive topics.”

A simple default may seem to be “no talk of politics or religion during dinner.” But that is not always a “one-size-fits-all” answer. Reid-Brinkley suggests understanding what you want from your communication with family members before you leave for that holiday get-together.

“You need to evaluate your own wants and desires and balance those against your expectations and the reality of the situation,” Reid-Brinkley said. “What do you want from your family in terms of whatever the disagreement is? Having a plan will allow you to let things roll off your back that otherwise might have resulted in a blowup or big argument.”

Reid-Brinkley understands that for some, tabling their concerns altogether is not an option, especially when differences run deep and affect all interactions and communications. For those who are not at a place of considering cutting ties with loved ones permanently, she says there are a few things to consider.

“Remember that you are speaking to someone that you love,” Reid-Brinkley said. “Disparaging and dismissive comments are unlikely to result in positive outcomes. You must speak to the person with care and respect, out of love and concern.

“Be willing to listen, even when you disagree. Conflicts can often be avoided when all sides feel heard,” she said. “Families don’t have to agree about everything. They do have to love and respect one another. At the end of every conversation is the opportunity to keep the door open for more conversation. Keeping the lines of communication open is ever so much more important than winning the argument.”

For those on the fence about engaging family at all during the holidays, Reid-Brinkley recommends setting boundaries for communication ahead of time.

“If there are issues that will impact whether or not you choose to visit your family, then try to have a conversation about it with your family well before the holidays,” Reid-Brinkley said. “Lay out your concerns directly and ask if the family might be willing to avoid those things while you are with them. Be willing to explain how their actions affect your sense of well-being.”

Reid-Brinkley acknowledges that for some families, healthy debate while together can result in vibrant conversations that “build understanding between generations.” This, in turn, can allow family members to reflect on their own opinions while providing space for growth.

For other families, holiday dinners may indeed not be the best place to discuss these issues. Instead, putting politics aside for the moment and focusing on the family’s mutual love for one another may be the best recipe.

“The stress and anxiety that people feel around family holidays can be overwhelming, but remember that making a plan for how to handle controversial issues in advance will give you a sense of control over the situation,” Reid-Brinkley said. “Remember to make your love for your family central to your communication about controversy. It is the respect, love and care that you show that can change a situation from a screaming match to an opportunity to understand one another more deeply.”

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