You may remember that the last time we talked, I was about to go to a fasting clinic in Santa Rosa, where I paid a lot of money to not eat anything.

You might think it would be cheaper to stay there if your meals were not included, but, no. It actually costs more, because they have constant medical monitoring to make sure you aren’t going to eat the paint off the walls or anything.

Seriously, the doctors and nurses started coming around at 7:30 a.m. and keep coming until 7 p.m., asking you endless intrusive questions about your bodily functions. They wanted to make sure they’re all still working okay despite your lack of food. I wanted to throttle them.

I learned this the hard way, because I slept in the first morning, only to be awakened by a painfully cheerful nurse who demanded to know how much I weighed that morning and what was my blood sugar level.

I looked at her groggily through the one eye that I’d managed to pry open, and tried to be polite. “Um, I don’t know?”

Incidentally, don’t you hate people who are cheerful in the morning? Don’t you think they should at least pretend to be stupefied for the first hour upon arising? Just out of empathy?

For those of you who haven’t kept up, I went to the True North Health Center up in Santa Rosa for 8 days in order to detox and reset my eating habits, which had grown to be atrocious.

I had even begun to consider frozen pizza as “food.” Many years ago, I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, and I immediately embarked on a healthy eating, whole-foods-plant-based lifestyle that brought my blood sugar down to normal without meds, and also made me feel 10 years younger. Seriously, it did.

Then, of course, as some of you know, I got a pesky bout of cancer that I still haven’t been able to get rid of. Cancer loves sugar, so experts recommend getting as much sugar and crappy “food” substances out of your body as possible. However, I was deeply in the throes of what many of you are familiar with – a processed food addiction.

The more processed food you eat, the more you want. And it seriously will freaking kill you. C’mon. Everyone knows that. But I was like an alcoholic who wouldn’t stop clutching my bottle.

So, yeah, that’s why I went to True North – to detox, and to have a major attitude adjustment.

When I arrived on a Sunday, I met with my doctor, who was a real M.D. by the way. He specializes in food as medicine.

He immediately took me off all my medications and supplements, except a half-dose of thyroid meds. Yes, I said ALL my meds. That’s the kind of thing they do there. And one of the reasons they monitor you so closely.

Then, I learned to my horror that water-only fasting included NO morning coffee. None. Zippo. If I had it to do over again, I would probably smuggle in some Nescafe. Sorry, doc.

So, to recap, you get no coffee, no food and no meds. And it’s just as much fun as that sounds. There are tons of people there who stay for weeks, not only water fasting but also juice fasting or learning to eat their super healthy food, which is plant-based and has no salt.

That’s right. No low salt. Zero salt. It’s like no one there ever read “King Lear.”

The TV in my room had the True North Health Channel, full of interviews and tips about food as medicine. So I was able to learn how added salt is really, really bad for you. In so many ways. I determined to stay off salt when I came home. This lasted for 90 minutes. However, I will say that I have cut back. That counts, right?

Yes, you do get hungry. You drink at least 5 glasses of water a day, which tastes good, but not as good as food. However, hunger does come in waves, and you can wait it out. From previous fasts, I knew that the worst is usually over in three days. At a certain point, you just lose your appetite, and your body starts burning the fat of the land instead.

My land has a lot of fat, so it could burn for a long time. There are a lot of myths about fasting, like it will kill you, blah blah blah. At True North, people can fast up to 40 days with medical supervision, and they’re fine.

I did find that I was weak as a kitten. The trip from the bedroom to the bathroom was an exciting adventure. Lots of patients there socialize in the courtyard, and I could have joined them, but talking to someone for more than five minutes was just exhausting.

The first thing I did when I left was get a cup of coffee. Sorry, doctor. I was a failure. And, yes, you do lose weight, but a lot of it is just water fleeing your body when it realizes what’s going on.

A week after I got back, I definitely feel healthier. I’m only eating vegetables that I have cooked myself. Okay, so I am salting them a little, but I went through my freezer and threw away a mountain of crappy pseudo-food. I can even watch my son eat an ice cream sandwich and not want one. If I’ve made this place sound irresistible, you can learn more at healthpromoting.com.

I’m supposed to go back for a three-week fast after Thanksgiving. I told myself I can skip it if I get healthy enough. Let’s see what happens.

You can write to me at [email protected]. I only accept hate mail on Feb. 30th.

Related links

Frumpy Middle-aged Mom: On my way to be hungry
Frumpy Middle-aged Mom: I’m paying money to go hungry
Frumpy Middle-aged Mom: Cancer isn’t as much fun as you might think it would be
Frumpy Middle-aged Mom: I must be crazy for going on a diet in the middle of the holiday season
Marla Jo Fisher: Yes, I have diabetes and yes, it’s my fault

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