There’s an expression regarding giving birth to one’s authentic self.

My birthing was laborious, bringing forth perhaps what you think you see is a plus-size babe, but that’s an optical illusion if you acknowledge that television makes one look 10 pounds heavier, and I have three TV’s.

So yes, I shot my scale, but they were blanks. You might resort to violence as well if your scale hid every morning.

Related subject: I am currently in peace negotiations between my mind and my body for a lasting thinness. We are meeting in the kitchen.

Lately, I’ve been pondering and meaning to ask this community: Is your smartphone smarter than you? Mine too!

There’s a gal named Siri living in mine, and she claimed to be my secretary. Until we went for couple’s counseling, we did not get along. Currently, however, she goes beyond what an executive position requires. And I’ve told her so. She is now hinting about a clothing allowance and a coffee maker as a Christmas bonus, and you know what? She deserves it.

Because I once ran a Progressive Single’s club here, I am constantly asked the secret about where seniors can find romance. I suggest a local pharmacy. Peek in a cutie pie’s cart. Does he have Gas X just like you have? Or the same brand of denture soak?

See? You already have common interests – which is the first pathway to romance, or at least an unusual one-night stand.

Do you know why bald men are sexy? It has to do with electricity having no place to go except … oops, I have said too much. Unless you show me your ID, I cannot give that information away.

To all of you, continue to dance with life and contribute to the world in so many ways with scars that are not always visible but remain nevertheless. I salute you all.

Bad day? Want to feel good instantly? Remember a time in your life when you were on top of the world filled with unending happiness. Picture that, each and every detail.

If you are having difficulties at this time, perhaps in the future, just by imagining or remembering a joyful place for a moment and even a chuckle – this will help in lightening up.

Humorist Jan Marshall is a Laguna Woods Village resident. Contact her at [email protected].