So incredibly motivating to see Martha Stewart at 81 make the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

I, too, was contacted to do a two-page spread. However, it was just one photo of me in a bikini, but it took two pages.

I refused.

I have nothing against Martha. She looks fantastic. It is not even jealousy, as you may think.

I, too, grow my own coconuts, making my daily pina coladas at the bar I built by hand, decorated with tiles created and designed in my own kiln.

But she eats healthy meals, cutting out bread and pasta. I’d rather cut out my heart than to eliminate those staples.

Thus, so that you are not disappointed, do not look for me to be a cover girl except in the police gazette if I decide to rob a bank. (It is so tempting with all the leftover masks I own.)

True, inside me lives a skinny gal trying to get out. Usually I shut her up with a bowl of spaghetti or a chunk of pumpernickel. Sometimes I don’t eat it but stuff my ears instead because my inner hungry child sure makes a lot of noise.

Let’s face it: I have never, ever met a bowl of pasta I did not like. And I am very friendly to many other foods. It is my nature to be accommodating.

But I must declare I overdo it on holidays – starting at Thanksgiving and ending at Easter/Passover /Ramadan, as I am an “equal eat on any holiday” activist. Plus special occasions, sporadically, are doing me in.

On Earth Day, I celebrated many international delicacies found on Earth and delivered by Amazon Fresh, Instacart and Uber Eats.

Everyone I know is anxious to mingle since the pandemic lockdown is over. I have to pay the consequences. Enough! Five parties, four restaurants, and a wedding. Please, no more food or toasts.

Remember when I thought I heard applause while walking, then learned it was my thighs hitting together?

Now it’s more like a crowd of screaming rock music fans giving a standing ovation to my jiggles and hanging participles.

Though frankly, I read in The New York Times that being overweight is not bad. They claim the Body Mass Index (BMI) may not be an accurate measure of health. Whew!

As long as I still fit into my earring from high school I’m OK.

Hmm. Can Martha do that?

Humor columnist and Laguna Woods Village resident Jan Marshall is the author of humor books for grownups, including “Dancin Schmancin With the Scars.” She also has written aspirational books for children – “The Toothbrush Who Tried to Run Away,” and “The Littlest Hero” and her latest, “Give the Kid a Hand.”  She’s the founder of the International Humor and Healing Institute in 1986. She’s a clinical hypnotherapist, a TV host and media humorist, and – above all – a proud great-grandmother. Contact her at [email protected].