It’s the holidays, which means it’s time for my annual public service column. I do this from my heart, to help you readers out in your time of need.

So, here’s my best advice for how to survive your relatives over the holidays.

Invent an imaginary friend. Now, I’ve given you this advice before, but some of you have yet to take me up on it. So I’m repeating myself, and I want to remind you: People who listen to me live happy lives. Those who don’t, well, don’t.

I discovered the advantages of an imaginary friend many years ago when I was listening to my mother fret over every little perceived flaw and failing in my life. Trust me, she found lots of them.

During the rest of the year, when I talked to her on the phone, it was easy to divert her from this train of thought. I’d just point out everything that was wrong with my brother’s life.

“So they have been fighting all the time, and I think they might be getting a divorce,” I’d tell her. And, sure enough, we’d spend the rest of the phone call speculating on the health of my brother’s marriage and his unlikely future prospects for happiness, while forgetting entirely to examine my own flaws in detail.

However, during holidays, my brother is actually present to refute any such slander, so I can’t get away with this tactic. My imaginary friend, though, is never there, so I can blather on endlessly about this person’s problems, soliciting the opinion of my nosy relatives.

And, meanwhile, diverting any attention from my life, my health, my children, my job prospects, the cleanliness of my house, my non-existent dating life, my poor grooming, my dirty car or any other topics that my mother likes to seize upon so she can instruct me in how to do better.

Seriously. It works. You’ll have to evaluate your own particular family to devise the exact scheme to engage everyone present in the kitchen, because it always seems these conversations take place in the kitchen, don’t you think?

You start out with a statement like, “I don’t know what to do, because I recently found out…..” and then go from there. Some possible topics:

….that “Julie,” my friend, has a husband who’s cheating on her. I saw him with someone last week in a very compromising position. Now I don’t know what to do. Do I tell her? Because maybe she already knows but she doesn’t want anyone to know that she knows. Maybe she doesn’t want to know. Maybe she does want to know, in which case I should find a way to break it to her gently. What should I do?

…..that my friend “Tabitha” is about to lose her house because she owes a fairly small amount on a balloon payment but she can’t pay it because her rotten cheating husband took all the money and moved to Syracuse with his secretary. She hasn’t asked me, but should I lend her the money to pay it off? Would she be offended? She doesn’t know that I heard about her dilemma. Maybe someone else already stepped up and I don’t have to. What if I lend her the money and she doesn’t pay me back? Is it going to ruin our friendship? But what if she does lose her house and I know I could have helped her but I didn’t because I was too selfish? Will I feel badly forever? Will she move into my house because she has nowhere else to live?

….I work with a guy named “Roger” and I found out he’s dallying with our boss, which is why she is always giving him the best assignments and ignoring the rest of us. They’re both single, so I wouldn’t actually care, except that she sent him to Hawaii for a week to meet with our investors, when I was expecting to get that trip. I even bought a new bathing suit that’s now just sitting there unworn, with the tags still on it. Should I say something to her? Should I go to the big boss about it? Should we chip in and put out a contract on Roger? Maybe just break his leg so he can’t go to Hawaii? Should I keep the swimsuit or take it back?

…..I was at a big box retailer the other day buying this fine outfit that I’m wearing right now, although no one has said a word about it, and I saw my friend’s daughter shoplifting a bracelet. I was already at the front of the line when I saw this, and you know how lines are at the holidays, so I didn’t want to get out of the line to go and talk to her. I figured I’d do it later. But now I find out that she’s gone to her grandmother’s in Wichita until the school break is over. I was planning to just have a private talk with her about the consequences of department store thievery, but now I’m wondering if I should tell her mom instead. Also, I’m wondering if I should let my daughter play with her, because who knows what kind of thug that little honor student is when no one is looking? What should I do?

These are just a few of the dilemmas your imaginary friends can become involved in. Feel free to use mine. I give them to you. Trust me, your relatives will be so busy arguing over what you should do, they’ll forget about your third divorce and your unplanned pregnancy. Though the accident where you wrecked the Bentley might still come in for a tongue-lashing.

Happy holidays and merry whatever you celebrate. See you on the flip side.

Related links

Frumpy Mom: Ho, ho, ho, it’s almost the holidays
Frumpy Middle-aged Mom: Spending the holidays with my plumber
Frumpy Middle-aged Mom: I must be crazy for going on a diet in the middle of the holiday season
Frumpy Middle-aged Mom: I’ll be the one washing the dishes at your holiday party
adoption, foster, children, Texas

Related Articles