Once again, it’s time for our annual New Year resolutions. I don’t know if you like to make these or not, but I have a little contest with myself to see how quickly they can be broken.

Four minutes after midnight is my personal best. But now, I try to be more realistic. That’s one of the advantages of getting older. I’m able to let go of many irrelevant things that were once important to me, like living up to my own expectations.

Now, I just start off with things that I know I can achieve. That way, I don’t have to beat myself up later.

I will go to the gym every week. Well, every month. Well, at least once. I will wait, however, until those of you with real resolutions join the gym, go three times and then stop by the end of January. Then I can get a parking space.

I will cancel my Weight Watchers membership. Seriously. I used to go faithfully, along with weighing myself every morning. But since I got back from vacation, I’ve been afraid to get back on the scale. So why am I paying this company $44.95 a month for nothing? I can always rejoin should I be struck by lightning and decide to go back.

I will have my car washed inside and out. Someday.

When someone cuts me off on the freeway, I will keep my cool and not flip them off and shout out of my window. I will breathe deeply and just hate them silently with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns.

When I can’t find my phone charger, I will actually look for it before I go out and start yelling at my son, accusing him of taking it, only to find it a few minutes later exactly where I left it.

I will not tell the salesgirl, “You’ve GOT to be kidding me” when she tells me the price of an item I’m contemplating. It’s not her fault.

I will stop asking my son if he wants to eat something I’ve made from scratch, with love, because – even though I know it’s delicious – he always tells me he’s not hungry. Then he orders a pizza for $45.

I will water my front lawn before it starts looking like the Depression-era Dust Bowl. (I know, I know, drought and all, but my lawn is tiny.)

I will do my best to get dressed by noon every day because it’s embarrassing when the UPS guy comes and I’m still in my bathrobe.

I will get rid of two streaming channels because, seriously, no one can watch all those movies. I will do this ruthlessly and not relent because, oh, wait, I think I might watch that one someday.

I will stop procrastinating. Soon.

I will not text snotty, sarcastic messages to my daughter just because she doesn’t text me back.

I will stop buying everything on Amazon from my phone just because I’m lazy and the shipping is free. Jeff Bezos doesn’t need any more money.

I will actually learn how to use the fancy cameras that cost me a fortune on my iPhone.

I will stop eating sugar. Soon. No, really. I will. Right after I eat up all the chocolate I got for Christmas. Well, okay, then, right after Valentine’s Day. (No one sends me chocolate for Valentine’s Day, you understand, but I always hit the day-after sales.)

I will spend too much money on travel. I mean, what the hell. Why not just tell the truth?

I will stop making fun of the name my daughter and her husband have picked out for my first grandchild, who is due in April. I’m not telling you what it is, but let’s just say that I’m going to call him Floyd.

I will stop taking it personally that Cairo the Cat ignores me, only using me as someone to step over on the way to get to his favorite window perch. When I call Cairo to come to me, I do get a warm animal on my lap: Our dog, Lil Wayne. Because he’s so jealous that he won’t risk the chance of any other creature residing there. He doesn’t really have to worry though: Cairo wouldn’t come to me if I covered myself in catnip and liver.

When I see the gardening trowel lying in the middle of the entryway for no discernable reason – because no one in this house gardens – I will actually put it away instead of just stepping over it 100 times.

When the mail arrives, I will open it immediately and then file the appropriate paperwork where it belongs, instead of piling it up on the dining room table which is starting to look like Mt. Kilimanjaro.

I will actually carry out my threats to kill the next person who leaves the lights on all day.

I will get my car smogged on time, instead of just paying the fees and then driving around with expired registration until a cop yells at me.

I will watch trashy TV instead of reading classic literature.

How does that list sound? Does it match yours? If you want to write to me, my email is [email protected].

And Happy New Year!

Related links

Marla Jo Fisher: My New Year resolution is to stay scared
Frumpy Middle-Aged Mom: New Year’s resolutions I can actually achieve
Fisher: For 2013, I resolve….
Frumpy Middle-aged Mom: My realistic 2020 New Year’s resolutions. Some involve doughnuts.
Marla Jo Fisher: I must like you, my house is a mess

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