My parents always sought to be fair in their treatment of my three sisters and me. Their reasoning was they never wanted any of us to think there was favoritism. They loved all of us equally.

Our parents reflected this in their gift-giving. If one of us received a new set of pencils, the rest of us would receive the same or something of equal value. This was a relatively easy task when we were small. However, later, as young teenagers, clothing us in the popular styles we dreamed of became an expensive possibility. Instead, we got a yearly clothing budget – the same dollar amount for each of us.

This fair treatment had its upsides. If one sister campaigned hard enough for something, we all benefited. However, it also had its limitations. Buying four of everything could be costly. I soon learned to remove myself from this confining dynamic by working after school from the age of 13. In this way, I was able to feel some financial independence. (Yes, this was before the more modern child labor laws.)

Many years later, as my parents thought about creating their family trust, they kept this equitable treatment in mind.

Since my mother was housebound by that time, I was privileged to help my father in business matters and accompanied him to the trust attorney’s office to move through the process. (Full disclosure: One of the other contributors to this column was our counsel.)

As I expected, he outlined all assets to be equally divided. However, when our esteemed legal counsel asked whom Dad desired to take on the role of trustee, he brought his philosophy of equity into play. He felt that entrusting someone with his estate matters was a privilege, and so he asked the attorney if he could appoint all four of his daughters.

Fortunately, our attorney described some of the potential downsides to this. Making decisions jointly could be problematic. Philosophies about how to manage trust matters might vary widely and, in fact, cause discord.

Very soon, Dad recognized that he should avoid such scenarios, and appointed me as trustee. As the eldest daughter, I had been groomed to care for my sisters from an early age, and he was confident this upbringing would play into me keeping the best interests of all in mind.

Serving as a trustee has been relatively simple for me. We four sisters have a high level of trust in each other. However, I have heard of other situations in which siblings experienced conflict and bad feelings when one was a trustee.

How can you avoid this if you find yourself, a family member, as a trustee of the estate?

Remember that trust, even when strong, needs to be fed to remain so. Don’t assume that because you enjoy a high level of trust and good relationships with each other that you don’t need to report on how estate proceedings are going. Have a conversation with your siblings at the outset of your trust administration to talk about how they would like to be kept informed and at what level. Remember to do this on a regular basis.

Check in at intervals to let them know the status of any asset sales or transfers so that they feel like part of the process. Emotions may be a bit more sensitive during this period, as managing an estate means that someone has passed away. Losing a loved one conjures up all kinds of unfinished business as part of grieving. Unfortunately, this means that not all communications are conducted with a rational approach. If you as trustee remember to communicate regularly, this will be reassuring as other family members deal with loss.

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The trust assets are not yours (or yours alone!) – these belong to all beneficiaries. You are charged with making sound decisions in the way that the deceased would wish. At the same time, there are times when you have leeway in what you deem is best to support the family’s intentions. Refrain from making these decisions without considering how this will affect the other beneficiaries.

Remember that long after the trust assets have been divided, you will still be family. Keep this at the forefront of your decision-making. I have never met someone who values money and other tangibles above such important relationships. Sure that they exist, I also think that those people, instead of being the richer for it, are the poorer.

Keep this in mind as you go about the sacred business of being a family member and trustee.

Patti Cotton serves as a thought partner to CEOs and their teams to help manage complexity and change. Reach her at [email protected].