As the lone caregivers for their wives, John Razzano and Ray Stermer navigated their way through an array of emotions:

Depression. Isolation. Anger. Wondering “why me.”

“Probably the word that best describes it for me is isolation,” said Razzano, who retired in January from a career in finance. “It was just us at home. If I wasn’t at work, I was there and I’m the kind of guy who wasn’t going to talk about it. I was trying to do this all on my own and figuring it out: I’m going to fix this. It was draining.”

To support other caregivers, the two men helped start a series of virtual workshops hosted by the Center for Cancer Prevention and Treatment at St. Joseph Hospital in Orange. The workshops provide a safe, peer-to-peer space where caregivers can share their experiences with those who can relate, where they can receive clinical information and get their questions answered.

Four workshops were held in 2021, covering topics such as “practical roles and responsibilities” and “communication and relationships.” Nine workshops are planned for 2022; the first is scheduled for Feb. 4.

Razzano and Stermer serve as facilitators along with health care professionals from St. Joseph Hospital.

“You feel frustrated, you feel exhausted, you feel isolated, because you are really giving up your life to care for your loved one,” said oncology nurse Emily Pozarski, survivorship navigator of the HOPE Peer to Peer Program at The Center for Cancer Prevention and Treatment at St. Joseph Hospital. “You do, in fact, need support as well. That’s the important part of this.”

Pozarski, who also served as caregiver to both of her parents, is another facilitator of the workshops. And, professional support is also provided by psychologist Fran Baumgarten, who is a cancer survivor and caregiver herself.

The workshops stress the necessity for caregivers to take care of themselves, Stermer said.

“Because if you go down, there is no help for yourself or the patient,” he said.

Razzano and Stermer had taken their wives to every doctor’s appointment, every chemotherapy and radiation session, searched for cures and treatment options and altered their work schedules to give their time to caring for their partner and spending time with them.

Stermer’s wife, Joanne, the executive director of surgical services and endoscopy at St. Joseph Hospital, died in October 2009, 10 months after being diagnosed with sarcoma cancer.

With he and his wife both in healthcare professions – Stermer is a clinical hospital pharmacist and consultant – they were aware of the possibilities, Stermer said. “We were hoping we could beat the probabilities.”

Razzano’s wife, Mary, died from appendix cancer in December 2015.

Both men said they found comfort and resolution through their strong Catholic faith.

In 2018, Stermer and Razzano happened to be sitting next to each other at a large circular table during an Orange Catholic Foundation event; the event had drawn close to 1,000 attendees. Both men are involved with nonprofit that raises money and provides grants for Catholic ministries and low-income families.

While chatting, they learned of their common experiences as widowers who were also the sole caregivers to their wives.

“He shared his story and I shared my story, and when we shared those stories we just bonded at that moment,” Stermer said.

They became friends, meeting periodically for breakfast.

When Razzano talked about his desire to help other caretakers, Stermer introduced him to clinicians at St. Joseph Hospital.

Razzano met with Kathy Berger, executive director of cancer services at St Joseph and the idea of starting a caregiver support group grew.

Involvement in the workshops has also grown from a handful of attendees to more than 20 at the last session.

“Because we all on the panel have all been there,” Pozarski said. “We all understand. We want to create an environment where we can share our stories so that caregivers know they are not alone, where caregivers can come and receive advice, receive information and even just sit in a virtual group of people who know how you feel.”

Razzano said he knows, in his heart of hearts, that sharing his own experiences to help other caretakers is exactly what he is supposed to be doing.

“I’m in the final third of my life,” he said. “This is my chapter to write, to take something that was a tragedy in our family and make something good out of it. There is a need. There is clearly a need.”

For information on the workshop series, contact Pozarski at 714-734-6236 or [email protected].

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